by Eurydice (c) 1999
TOP TEN Sexiest Movies in Classic Foreign Cinema:
1. Last Tango In Paris
Butter and nailclippers—who could ask for more? When Marlon Brando—the sexiest screen presence in the history of drama, filling the screen like nobody else—makes Maria Schneider trim the nails of her second and third fingers and silently puts himself up against the bathroom window and has her put her fingers up his ass because he has just fucked her up the ass for the first time and wants to reciprocate and she moans and puts her arm around him and instantly falls in love with him is the sexiest moment in the sexiest movie of all time where every scene is a revelation of the endless erotic potential of humanity.
2. Murmur In The Heart (better than Pretty Baby)
Louis Malle's incest film about a 14 year old prissy poetic boy smitten with a girl who ignores him at the spa where his gorgeous Mom and brutal dad have taken him for his tuberculosis; he fails repeatedly to get his girl and is wretched and suicidal, so Mom says Forget your Dad, he's no good in bed, you are the sensitive one every woman wants, and kisses him on both cheeks, pulls his hand to her breast; he comes inside her, and the next day he's a new man and the girl falls for him; now that's a happy ending.
3. 8 1/2
If only life could happen under all those skirts in Marcello's memories and fantasies.
4. Going Places
Jeanne Moreau is a married woman who picks up a skinny Gerard Depardieu and his boyfriend and they have a 20 minute menage in a hotel room when she fucks those boys every which way until they fall asleep; when they wake up, she's killed herself.
5. Nosferatu
Kinski and Herzog's homoerotic treatment of the plague—a silent film with dialogue—proves that Dracula is a timeless sex object and that hideousness can be sexy as hell.
6. Beauty And The Beast & Death Of A Poet
Cocteau's beast—Jean Marais—is perfect until he's turned back into a prince; then he's too perfect. Odette Talazac as Death in Death Of A Poet is the best cinematic dominatrix ever.
7. Contempt
.Godard has Brigitte Bardot lying on her hip on a bed totally naked and totally bored, as Michel Piccoli, in his porkpie hat and white singlet, paces around the bed talking about why she doesn't desire him anymore—because he doesn't write the script of the Odyssey.
8. Through a Glass Darkly
Ingmar Bergman does smoldering repressed sexuality better than anyone, but when the giant hallucinatory spider comes across the floor and walks up Bibi Andersson's skirt and eats her out and then fucks her, he outdoes himself.
9. Seven Beauties
Shirley Stoller is the fat Nazi Commandante who feeds the starving Giancarlo Giannini sausages in the death camp so he can try to fuck her; if he can come she'll let him live; as sick as he is, he gives her head, findgs his way in, orgasms, and gets a job as a guard.
10. Claire's Knee
After 3 hours of chat-chat about her, Jean-Claude Brially actually puts his hand on that little girl's kneecap while they're playing badminton, and his life is fulfilled.
TOP TEN Sexiest Movies in Hollywood:
1. Body Heat
Kathleen Turner's Maddy should thank the glazier who made the flimsy locked patio door through which Bill hurt throws a chair, and goes in and fucks her right there on the floor.
2. Lulu
Louise Brooks is a prostitute with an innocent face who truly likes her work and falls for Jack the Ripper because of all the troubled men she's met he wins her empathy the most; as he knifes her dead, she still has a gorgeous, erotic look of profound saintly compassion.
3. Vertigo
The best two hours of raw sexual obsession between people who are dressed, period.
4. It Happened One Night
The look Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert give each other under the oak tree where they sleep their first night on the road together is 'it': the Hollywood definition of sex-appeal.
5. Notorious
The best cinematic kiss (360 degree) is between Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman just before she tells him she's leaving him, going back to the Nazi Claude Rains—she's a spy.
6. Midnight Cowboy
Robert Balaban is a high-school kid who picks up John Voight and gives him a BJ in a movie theater, then throws up in the bathroom, and has no money to pay him.
7. Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Peter Finch frenches rock star Murray Head so convincingly you want to turn bisexual.
8. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
A homoerotic love story between Eli Wallach and Clint Eastwood of the macho S/M kind with Clint the top and Eli the bottom—the reason those two don't kill each other is not mutual respect but secret longing—in a hard, erotic landscape, underscored by the sexiest film music ever which was written by Ennio Morricone.
9. Chinatown
Faye Dunawaye dubs Jack Nicholson's wounded bloody nose with peroxide—his punishment for being a nosy little body on her behalf—she falls for him and kisses him, careful not to hurt his nose, and they fuck for the first time.
10. Coppola's Dracula
Gary Oldman's Dracula gives bloody cunnilingus to Mina and later opens his chest with his nail for Winona Ryder's Lucy but doesn't let her suck his blood not wanting her to become a vampire, so she says 'Take me away from all this death' and licks it up.
TOP TEN Sexiest Movies in Classic Porn:
1. Devil In Miss Jones
Hard-core No Exit—see Sartre—and horniness gone eternal: Hell should be so good.
2. History Of The Blue Movie
The more things change, etc., the better the lighting gets.
3. Afternoons Of Pamela Mann
A husband's voyeuristic dream about his exhibitionistic wife: what a birthday gift!.
4. Deep Throat
Her dripping nose aside, few can match Linda Lovelace on Harry Reems' 12" cock.
5. Behind The Green Door
Racism never looked better: African male rapes Marilyn Chambers in front of a crowd.
6. The Opening of Misty Beethoven
A beauty who happens to be a true virgin and truly mad, and this is the only film she's in.
7. Sex
Nasty French-style: gorgeous girls, leather, no holes barred, excellent production values.
8. Lunch
.Nasty production values but some of the best money shots ever, like the shooting sperm that travels 3 ft and hits the unsuspecting girl on the face.
9. Danish Farm Girl
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry: the most famous bestiality film ever made, still unsuirpassed since 1964.
10. Never A Tender Moment
The number-one collector's item in porn history: Marilyn Chambers gets an anal fisting.
