b y Eurydice (c) 1999
TOP TEN Sexiest People in History:
1. Alexander the Great
He owned the Western world and swung both ways and always, and died gorgeous at 33.
2. Marc Anthony
His libido changed the history of the Roman empire and seduced Cleopatra to the death.
3. Peter the Great and Catherine the Great
Horny, big-hung, perennially young, the first modern Russian, he recreated his country.
She had slews of lovers, possibly including her horse, and beat everyone into submission.
4. Messalina, Claudius'wife, Roman Empress
She liked to throw orgies and had well-hung Nubian slaves brought to her by the dozen once a month, she gave them blowjobs, and had them killed afterwards so they'd never brag; she liked to rub the sperm on her skin for cosmetic purposes.
5. Theodora, Justinian's wife, Byzantine Empress
The daughter of the Constantinople circus master, renowned for her bestiality tricks?such as lying on the arena naked and spread-eagled and having her wild geese eat seeds out of her pussy?she was picked by the Emperor as his wife against all precedent and she lived up to the job, taking off the heads of bad bishops and building the greatest church then.
6.President Nehru
India's only untitled playboy, he fucked the last Viceroy's wife and other Western women of interest, established the world's largest democracy, had great skin, clothes, manners.
7. Moshe Dayan
He made the eye-patch a sex symbol, loved good wine, fine food, gorgeous women, led the six-day war against the Arabs, and became the last icon for refined, scarred manhood.
8. Muammar Qaddafi
He wears designer clothes and sunglasses, has Omar-Sharif features, is a chronic (5-6 times daily) masturbator says the CIA, to which Ronald Reagan replied, "I don't want to fuck him, I want to dance with him", which may be remembered as Reagan's sexiest line.
9. Che Guevara
Having invented long plentiful hair for the babyboom generation, the asthmatic physician turned rebel commandante initiated the most direct single assault against American capitalism by urging the Russians to put offensive missiles in Cuba and then died a martyr whose legend was so feared by his enemies they cut off his hands as proof of his demise; when his corpse was accidentally photographed in an exact reproduction of Rembrandt's famous painting The Anatomy Lesson, eyes open in death, he won.
10. John F. Kennedy
He was the President the whole world wanted to fuck, he was both a man's man and each woman's dreamboat, and he saved a man in the war which damaged his back which is why he preferred to have his adulteries in the White House pool where he pushed underwater the hired girls' heads at the moment of his orgasm to intensify the sensation thanks to their spasming vaginal muscles—a technique called the Roman guppie, invented by the Emperor Tiberius who liked to get blowjobs by boys underwater; also, he only fucked good lookers.
TOP TEN Sexiest People in Religion : 1. Akhenaton, Pharaoh of Egypt
The Sun god—naked, tanned, and, judging by the size of his conehead, well-hung—and a sensualist poet in love with his sister, he was murdered for being a monotheist.
2. King David
The only true poet-warrior in history, who was able to internalize God-history-sex-war in one package and is the star of Jewishness, he killed a man to fuck his wife and had her stoned for adultery when Jehovah had had enough.
3. John the Baptist
The first hippie, predicted the coming of the Messiah and died at 26 for not giving in to the charms of a spoiled horny stripper-princess who exchanged her loin cloth for his head and cost her stepdad his sanity—turning himself into an eternal object of unrequited desire.
4. Guatama
The Indian prince who fucked the most excellent concubines, ate and drank and consumed the best of everything, then renounced everything, sat under a banyan tree, staring at a river, and stayed there until he became enlightened, free of reality, and a divinity).
5. St. Augustine
He had the perfect life: he fucked everyone he could and he became a saint; he had a bastard son, a long-term mistress, a wife, a millennarian sect, and at the end he repented eloquently; his most famous quote: 'Please God let me stop sinning; just not yet'.
6. Joan of Arc
A feisty, crossdressing, teenaged, holy virgin whose general, Gilles de Rais, the original Bluebeard who killed a few hundred girls and she defended him, was not.
7. Rasputin
This priest healed the Czar's son, was partner in half the whorehouses in St. Petersburg, fucked hundreds of little girls—he only liked virgins—and ran all of Russia with his secret police which ended up being the first cause of the Bolshevik revolution.
8. Sabbati Sevi
Believing the world was coming to an end, he led the largest millennial pilgrimage ever to Thessaloniki to wait for the Apocalypse, and died handsome, charismatic, mad.
9. Ayatollah Khomeini
Good-looking, messianic revolutionary who exuded raw sexual power and the sense of peace with himself, and who had thousands of women fainting over his death, but the many rumours of his dalliances in Paris won't be repeated here for fear of a fatwa.
10. Pope Paul VI
The most recent of many sexy, promiscuous, fast-living Popes, he routinely visited the Rothschild estate in Morocco to enjoy local boys, and many witnesses to his escapades are still living.
TOP TEN Sexiest People in Secular Life:
1. Hypatia
Greek scientist and University professor in Alexandria, head of the famous city library, promiscuous, she proved the heliocentric universe, calculated the moves of the planets, and was lynched and murdered by Christian mob during the book burning for her secularism.
2. Caravaggio
Perhaps the prettiest good painter in history, he fucked everyone and was murdered at 38.
3. Giacomo Casanova
He claimed to have fucked 3,000 women, invented the diaphragm—a lemon—a code used by Napoleon's army and the national lottery, helped Mozart finish Don Giovanni, spied for the Inquisition, escaped the Inquisition, escaped prison, organized a great library, wrote the greatest memoir, proved that any man who persists sexually with any woman will succeed.
4. William Blake
The most exuberant imagination, faith, and libido combined, he experimented sexually with every sensation, position, meaning, limitation—even mortality—and never wavered.
5. Arthur Rimbaud
A literary genius at 17, he left home, seduced Verlaine, stole him from his wife, left him at 19, sent him to prison for buggery and shooting him; he quit literature in disdain at 19, studied five languages, joined the Dutch Colonial army, deserted, ran off to Egypt at 23; he married an Abyssinian, smuggled guns and slave-trafficked in deep Africa, gave away all his money to the locals, had a leg amputated that got infected, died a good Catholic at 37.
6. Rodin
A rapacious, violent maximalist, he fucked every model, made the sexiest sculpture since Michelangelo, owned the nicest house in Paris, and had no moral scruples.
7. Pablo Picasso
For a short guy with burning eyes who throughout his life suffered bouts of performance anxiety and periodic impotence, he managed to fuck many young pretty women, two of whom went mad over him, one committed suicide, five raised children by him, faithfully.
8. Maria Callas
Passionate, wild, lyrical, determined, duck-to-swan, she reinvented and rejuvenated opera.
9. Miles Davis
Handsome, intense, stylish, brilliant, he epitomized cool and made music that seduced.
10. Marilyn Monroe
Innocent mind, guilty body, the voice of angels, terribly malleable, and a better actress than she's gotten credit for—see Don't Bother To Knock—she became a myth after death.
