TANTRIC SEX 101
 

    Are you looking for an advantage in today's cut-throat mating ring? Are you scoring far behind buffer gym-rats, yuppier big-spenders, pushier show-offs, and truer romantics? Do you feel out of touch, stuck, uncool? Take up mysticism, accuse everyone else of being 'mired in genitalism,' and watch your sexual competitors recede like exorcised spooks. We live in optimal conditions for the exercise of hedonistic indulgence disguised as holistic calling: the millennium is here, the 60s are being regurgitated, the economy remains robust, and religion dares not inconvenience our fun. If you received in the mail a TimeLife Books offer to examine 'Sex & Spirit,' replete with aromatherapy massage kit yours to keep 'just for looking,' touting 'sex as a gateway to eternal knowledge' and vowing to help you 'transform common sexual encounters into sacred acts of transcendence; discover how sex has been used as a method of attaining enlightenment and wisdom,' then you know what I mean: the cult-leaderish logic of 'the divine manifests itself in every action we take, so blow me, baby' has hit America like a sarin bomb. Having-it-both-ways (being holy by being horny) is quintessential 1999 zeitgeist. Take advantage of it.
     For those of you in the dark: Chinese Taoists have long seen sex as a pleasurable way to enrich their knowledge of the Universe?a kind of research. Because of this, they insist the destination (orgasm) is not as important as the journey (what facilitates orgasm), and the journey can be so pleasurable that an orgasm detracts from it. Sex is the exchange of ch'i energy. Retaining sperm is wisdom, squandering sperm?masturbation, fellatio?is stupidity. The woman embodies Tao, the Supreme Ultimate; if she stays detached, holds her partner's 'jade hammer' as he caresses her, and prevents him from 'spilling his ching' too fast, both can relish the flowing energy. Taoists see everything in terms of yin-and-yang balances (yang is the masculine principle, hot, spontaneous, positive, active, creative, bright, ruling the tongue, the penis; yin is feminine, dark, cool, slow, ruling vulva and lips). Likewise, tantric Buddhists view orgasm as only a beginning and sex as a meditative means of getting in touch with God. Sex raises the kundalini energy up through the seven chakras situated in our bodies (anus, genitals, solar plexus, heart, throat, brow, crown), until we're eventually freed from the cycle of life, death, rebirth?of karma.
     Tantra is the opposite of 'wham-bam-thank you ma'am.' The idea is that good sex leaves the woman satisfied and the man not exhausted, that female orgasm is important and male ejaculation is not, that a male orgasm doesn't require ejaculation. The complaint is that Westerners are too goal-oriented—we talk of 'achieving' climax and 'culminating in' orgasm, exert ourselves athletically, think not coming is unnatural. Now, I personally think even the noblest causes get in the way of good lays. I blackout. I don't see the face of God in a droplet of cum. I'd rather not search for a higher reality amidst the sweaty pubes of a yang-spewing pansy. But I can afford to be a reactionary because, as a female, my orgasm isn't an end but a crest that can be 'infinitely' repeated if my knees hold out; besides, mine is today's hallow gender. You and I may know that honest-to-goodness fucking beats sacred-spot massaging every time, but if your goal is to get happily laid, flow with the touchy-feely, go-girl current.
     Here is a step-by-step how-to: initiate sex by-any-other-name; call it 'baptism,' 'psychic catharsis,' 'immersion,' 'redemption.' Master the reverent lingo; pepper your talk with comments like 'the skin is our largest sex organ,' 'according to ancient texts, women don't lose energy through orgasm, but take in the male energy,' 'I like to give a woman pleasure because it strengthens her spiritual essence.' Splurge on soulful wooing riffs indicating your desire to render sex sacred (you actually mean amoral). Employ soft, protective body language and resonant, trustful silences. If you can stand it, introduce topics like 'Rechanneling Your Orgasm' or 'How To Value, Not Degrade, Yourself Through Sex,' or contrast your parents' smutty ethic to your own approach to sex as worship. Say that you renounced shame when you realized the soul's hunger for ecstasy is the same as the body's hunger for pleasure, that guilt belongs only to those who debase or waste sex. Be sure to have unplugged the phone, turned off the TV, lit candles or incense, stuffed the fridge with ethnic foods, spread pillows, and placed in conspicuous corners telltale items such as: Bach's rescue remedy, fingerpaints, a Rumi hardcover, lambskin condoms. Chicks are defenseless in the face of metaphysical seduction.
     Next, mention some basic tantric exercises you recommend (and start rubbing her chakras):
     A.  A 3,500-year-old orgasm-prolonging trick: stare into each other's eyes as you come. Resist the urge to shut your eyes and go into your mind. 'Stay present.' What do you see? Do it standing, chanting, praying.
     B. 'Full-Body Orgasm': keep your tongue touching the roof of your mouth so your kundalini flows back to complete the energy circle. As you come, tense and relax your anal (vaginal for the woman) muscles like a pump and feel the energy rise up your spine like electricity to the top of your head; after you come, sustain the pumping action as long as you can, concentrating on your third eye, before you 'uncoil.'
    C. 'Ride the wave': put your penis an inch into her vagina, without thrusting, wait a few minutes; pull out, use it to massage her clit and labia, slide it back in, and repeat the cycle several times, hovering on the brink of orgasm; if she comes by your massage, let yourself come inside her, thrusting gently.
    D. Classic Lotus Sex or Two-As-One Meditation: sit open-legged while she sits astride you with your penis inside her vagina, her legs around your back, your legs up under her buttocks, your hands on her shoulders and hers on your forearms; face each other and hold this position as long as comfortable, feeling the energy move up, until you both nearly orgasm; then orgasm together, without effort or movement.
    By now, any girl should be open to trying five minutes of synchronized breathing, then spooning (you both lie on your left sides). Trace your hands around her, without touching her at first, feeling the heat and energy her body radiates. Invite her to do it to you. Hold hands and feel the force flowing back and forth between you (a real New Ager can do this for 30 to 60 minutes—and as an added bonus she won't insist on her own fleshly orgasm nor deem its lack a neurotic failing nor blame you for it, and will be amenable to any experiment you couch in spiritualist phraseology, no-strings-attached.)
     Once you've got your female prone, improvise to your heart's delight. You can literally copy every animal position in the Kama Sutra, the Ananga Ranga, and the Perfumed Garden if your loins permit. Your only obligation is to shoot for suspense. Set a rhythm: typical tantric penetrations involve nine shallow thrusts to one deep thrust, a moment's rest, then a lock or squeeze. (The lock: at the point of orgasm, raise your waist and lodge your penis hard against her vaginal wall until the impulse to come subsides. The squeeze: pinch with your forefinger and thumb any point midway between your scrotum and anus.) Also, distract yourself: stop to admire her landscape, turn her over, shift gears, shift orifices, linger, ponder-as-you-pound. But don't be shocked if you try 'thinking of mother' while handling living writhing curves and fail. (The best time to attempt nonejaculatory sex is after a serious romantic breakup or during a period of stress and dejection, when you may find yourself saddled with hour-long hardons and able to hump on automatic and prey to sensory overload, intimacy withdrawal, shellshock, a macho urge for revenge, or other trauma that leaves you temporarily frigid or sexually beached; turn the tables around by adopting nonejaculatory sex and you'll have a popular spiel to justify your apostate pecker. Word will spread, girls will pursue you, your confidence will balloon again, and you'll soon be cured.)
     If you've come this far and are still not ahead of the mating curve, you're too stiff to fake it or you're a pathetic giggler, and you better get rich fast. But if you just need a good libidinous shtick, convert porn into spirituality, and you'll collect trophies and spoils. This is no time to be a plain-spurting Joe.