EuROTICA

by Eurydice (c) 1999

ANAL SEX 101

     Next time you're feeling introspective, ask yourself this rudimentary question: what you mean when you say 'nice ass'. Is it a purely aesthetic comment? Does it indicate a tactile interest? Or does it suggest your longing to penetrate that other mystery? Entry into the most secret orifice is a universal male fantasy. It's a triumph of the erotic ego to transform a locus of ultramundane function into orgasmic territory; it's a defeat of a womanizer's will to fail to. The rest is the interference of civilization.
     You may have caught yourself on occasion, as you're about to undertake the familiar, repetitive trigger-steps of intercourse with your significant other and the corner of your eye catches sight of a sculpturally becoming angle of the curvature of her ass, thinking that you wouldn't mind varying your routine by exploring that third orifice. You may have mentioned it to her or to her predecessors timidly and received a negative or noncommitted response and left it at that out of inertia or fear of more vehement rejection or fear of the unknown. Let's assume you didn't happen to have one of those oddly religious girlfriends in high-school who were determined to stay virgin and willing to make themselves anally available in exchange, that you never hired a prostitute, that you feel self-conscious discussing your anal illiteracy with your friends, and you don't mind being anally deprived; still, there must have been idle moments when, dumbly gazing into nothing, you've been struck by the realization that you may die without ever having gone there. And that fleeting thought makes you innocuously sad.    
     The good news is that anal play (which may or not include intercourse) is in vogue, largely because it's still the forbidden (nonprocreative) fruit. Also, it's both a time-honored practice (Plato, Sade, Mozart, Joyce, D.H. Lawrence were experts, and for thousands of years anal sex was considered more spiritual because it had no procreative use) and a relative novelty. And it strikes you as liberating not to have to look your mate in the eye, observe her expressions, feel watched, treat her like a thinking being.
     The bad news is that it's not an easy sexual universe to master without inside knowledge. A lot can go wrong for the inexperienced. And my first piece of advice is: Don't ask a girl how to do it even if she's had it before; don't even tell her what you're doing; and don't get cold feet halfway there. Anal sex must be approached surreptitiously, as if you're scouting enemy terrain. It's big doings. The majority of women are initially terrified of anal penetration whereas most men are too eager to proceed. Even though your interest in a woman's ass may grant her a sense of power, her reflex fear regarding the mechanics and the prospect of pain will have to be overcome—with patience, strategic timing, and cunning.
     The Seduction: a successful initiator will set anal sex into the spirit of romance, that is to say of trust, which is the key to anality (given that much physical damage to her colon, digestive system, etc. can be done easily). He begins his anal exploration while otherwise servicing her, to convince her that he is only concerned with her pleasure. Having caused enough juices to drip into the crevice of her buttocks, he'll gently, with teeth on labia and tongue on clit, use his index finger to rub her anus. If she purrs, stirs, or does anything but tighten up, he may seamlessly, carefully, insert a single knuckle into her rectum. Like men, girls have prostates that like being stimulated, so she may sigh with momentary relief. Don't take this as a sign to ram a finger in; if you do, the pain may overwhelm the pleasure and raise the specter of submissiveness and the whole history of misogyny. Instead, massage the entry with that one knuckle, keep it lubricated with spittle or juices, and sustain a slow movement in and out, while keeping her vaginally distracted. (Eventually she'll rub her own clit during anal sex so she can control the pressure and speed.) Most first-timers will come at this point because new nerves are affected, and may even weep, as if they lost their virginity again, or make a short speech about commitment. This is your cue. Have K-Y discreetly standing by. Lubricate your penis, turn on your hip, raise her rump (so she doesn't look you in the eye) and ease your tip in to massage her rectal membranes. It's imperative that the penis slips in; if not, she's not relaxed yet. If she suddenly ceases to relax her asshole, you can get trapped; if you're deep within her and she clenches her sphincter muscles, you can be bruised. If your expectations are too lofty, your dick may go numb and dry, and she'll get sore and inflamed and feel humiliated and rejected. Once you're vaguely in, monitor her breathing. Women will confess their first buttfuck hurt or made them nauseated or gave them the sweats only afterwards, when they're already traumatized. Moan, describe how receptive she feels, and move little by little, in and out. Unless she invites you, do not on the first occasion go in up to the hilt. But if you've done everything correctly up to now, she will.
     Anal orgasms are a fusion of pain and pleasure such as girls otherwise never know. Your anal pleasure comes from the peristaltic motion of the rectum as it tries to expel the penis. Hers comes from feeling raw and full. Eight out of ten women will be sexually transformed by a good anal experience. After they've been eased, women have a vast repertory of anal positions, and especially like sitting on you (it puts them in control). The only dangerous position is standing her upright (pinned against a wall) because the chances of tearing a membrane are increased; if her blood flows, the gig is over. 
     Another way to launch a buttfuck is to give her a buttplug (say a red phosphorescent one for Valentine's Day) to wear at home or in public, which will sensitize her anus. Or you may find her more accommodating if you let her use a device on you: a brief reversal of power roles is enough to convince her of your benevolence, especially if the dildo can fake-ejaculate in the end. If she wants to try fistfucking you, make her wear surgical gloves and remind her fistfucking is a misnomer: you start with one finger, then two, then three, until the anus is stretched enough to fit all five digits joined in a scoop and not a fist. A riskier launching method involves giving her an impromptu rim job. (One reportedly censored passage of Monica's testimony describes her rimming of the presidential asshole; rimming works marvels on the nerve endings and violates a taboo as old as the tryglobites: don't eat where you shit.)
     The Pitfalls: First, anal intercourse is where the play of sex most dramatically becomes about power. It may show either partner a side of the other they never suspected and can't live with (for instance, one of you is after pain and the other isn't, one likes domination and the other resents it). Second, watch out for shame. You're gonna strike dirt sooner or later. Even if all goes swimmingly, you must prepare for the gruesome biology: the unforeseen farts, the mingling odor of poop, the poop on your tip, the rectal explosion of sperm she must brave after. If either one of you is inordinately hygienic, you're set up for disaster. (The way out is giving her an enema, but here you can't be subtle: use a Fleet's disposable kit and concentrate on the giving, not the results; enemas shouldn't be expelled in a bathtub, pool, newspaper, or anywhere other than a toilet, while you rub her distended lower belly and kiss her mouth during evacuation. This can be the prelude to great anal sex—but be sure she's empty.) Finally, stay cautious: too much anal penetration will give her a debilitating hemorrhoid the size of an asteroid.
      The Happy Ending: after anal sex, as soon as it's feasible, kiss and softly tongue the asshole, bestowing on it a thanks, blowing to cool it off. Convince your mate that the asshole can now take its place as an erotic orifice not to be confused with its excretory task. Don't fail to poetize the tookas.
     The Bounty: It's tighter than a vagina. It lets you feel violent and accepted at your most animal-like manifestation. And once you are anally proficient and comfortable, you'll carry an extra knowing glow that women intuitively respond to; you'll possess the allure of experience. 
     OR
Next time you're feeling introspective, ask yourself this rudimentary question: what you mean when you say 'nice ass'. Is it a purely aesthetic comment? Does it indicate a tactile interest? Or does it suggest your longing to penetrate that other mystery? Entry into the most secret orifice is a universal male fantasy. It's a triumph of the erotic ego to transform a locus of mundane function into orgasmic territory; it's a defeat of a womanizer's will to fail to. The rest is the interference of civilization.
     You may have caught yourself on occasion, as you're about to undertake the familiar, repetitive trigger-steps of intercourse with your significant other and the corner of your eye catches sight of a sculpturally becoming angle of the curvature of her ass, thinking that you wouldn't mind varying your routine by exploring that third orifice. You may have mentioned it to her or to her predecessors timidly and received a negative or noncommitted response and left it at that out of inertia or fear of more vehement rejection or fear of the unknown. Let's assume you didn't happen to have one of those oddly religious girlfriends in high-school who were determined to stay virgin and willing to make themselves anally available in exchange, you never hired a prostitute, you feel self-conscious discussing your anal illiteracy with your friends, and you don't mind being anally deprived; still, there must have been idle moments when, dumbly gazing into nothing, you've been struck by the realization that you may die without ever having gone there. And the thought makes you innocuously sad.    
     The good news is that anal play (which may or not include intercourse) is in vogue, largely because it's still the forbidden (nonprocreative) fruit. Also, it's both a time-honored practice (Plato, Sade, Mozart, Joyce, D.H. Lawrence were experts, and for thousands of years anal sex was considered more spiritual because it had no useful purpose) and a relative novelty. And it strikes you as liberating not to have to look your mate in the eye, observe her expressions, feel watched, treat her like a thinking being.
     The bad news is that it's not an easy sexual universe to master without inside knowledge. A lot can go wrong for the inexperienced. And my first piece of advice is: Don't ask a girl how to do it even if she's had it before; don't even tell her what you're doing; and don't get cold feet halfway there. Anal sex must be approached surreptitiously, as if you're scouting enemy terrain. It's big doings. The majority of women are initially terrified of anal penetration whereas most men are too eager to proceed. Even though your interest in a woman's ass may grant her a sense of power, her reflex fear regarding the mechanics and the prospect of pain will have to be overcome—with patience, strategic timing, and cunning.
     The Seduction: a successful initiator will set anal sex into the spirit of romance, that is to say of trust, which is the key to anality (given that much physical damage to her colon, digestive system, etc. can be done easily). He begins his anal exploration while otherwise servicing her, to convince her that he is only concerned with her pleasure. Having caused enough juices to drip into the crevice of her buttocks, he'll gently, with teeth on labia and tongue on clit, use his index finger to rub her anus. If she purrs, stirs, or does anything but tighten up, he may seamlessly, carefully, insert a single knuckle into her rectum. Unlike men, girls have no prostates, but delicate nerves that need a subtler stimulation; so, if she sighs with relief, don't take this as a sign to ram a finger in; if you do, the pain may overwhelm the pleasure and raise the spectre of submissiveness and the whole history of misogyny. Instead, massage the entry with that one knuckle, keep it lubricated with spittle or juices, and sustain a slow movement in and out, while keeping her vaginally distracted. (Eventually she'll rub her own clit during anal sex so she can control the pressure and speed.) Most first-timers will come at this point because new nerves are affected, and may even weep, as if they lost their virginity again, or make a short speech about commitment. This is your cue. Have K-Y discreetly standing by. Lubricate your penis, turn on your hip, raise her rump (so she doesn't look you in the eye) and ease your tip in to massage her rectal membranes. It's imperative that the penis slips in; if not, she's not relaxed yet. If she suddenly ceases to relax her asshole, you can get trapped; if you're deep within her and she clenches her sphincter muscles, you can be bruised. If your expectations are too lofty, your dick may go numb and dry, and she'll get sore and inflamed and feel humiliated and rejected. Once you're vaguely in, monitor her breathing. Women will confess their first buttfuck hurt or made them nauseated or gave them the sweats only afterwards, when they're already traumatized. Moan, describe how receptive she feels, and move little by little, in and out. Unless she invites you, do not on the first occasion go in up to the hilt. But if you've done everything correctly up to now, she will.
      Anal orgasms are a fusion of pain and pleasure such as girls otherwise never know. Your anal pleasure comes from the peristaltic motion of the rectum as it tries to expel the penis. Hers comes from feeling raw and full. Eight out of ten women will be sexually transformed by a good anal experience. After they've been eased, women have a vast repertory of anal positions, and especially like sitting on you (it puts them in control). The only dangerous position is standing her upright (pinned against a wall) because the chances of tearing a membrane are increased; if her blood flows, the gig is over. 
     Another way to launch a buttfuck is to give her a buttplug (say a red phosphorescent one for Valentine's Day) to wear at home or in public, which will sensitize her anus. Or you may find her more accomodating if you let her use a device on you: a brief reversal of power roles is enough to convince her of your benevolence, especially if the dildo can fake-ejaculate in the end. If she wants to try fistfucking you, make her wear surgical gloves and remind her fistfucking is a misnomer: you start with one finger, then two, then three, until the anus is stretched enough to fit all five digits joined in a scoop and not a fist. A riskier launching method involves giving her an impromptu rim job. (One reportedly censored passage of Monica's testimony describes her rimming of the presidential asshole; rimming works marvels on the nerve endings and violates a taboo as old as the troglodytes: don't eat where you shit.)
     The Pitfalls: First, anal intercourse is where the play of sex most dramatically becomes about power. It may show either partner a side of the other they never suspected and can't live with (for instance, one of you is after pain and the other isn't, one likes domination and the other resents it). Second, watch out for shame. You're gonna strike dirt sooner or later. Even if all goes swimmingly, you must prepare for the gruesome biology: the unforeseen farts, the mingling odor of poop, the poop on your tip, the rectal explosion of sperm she must brave afterwards. If either one of you is inordinately hygienic, you're set up for disaster. (The way out is giving her an enema, but here you can't be subtle: use a Fleet's disposable kit and concentrate on the giving, not the results; enemas shouldn't be expelled in a bathtub, pool, newspaper, or anywhere other than a toilet, while you rub her distended lower belly and kiss her mouth during evacuation. This can be the prelude to great anal sex—but be sure she's empty.) Finally, stay cautious: too much anal penetration will give her a debilitating hemorrhoid the size of an asteroid.
      The Happy End: after anal sex, as soon as it's feasible, kiss and softly tongue the asshole, bestowing upon it a thanks, blowing to cool it off. Convince your mate that the asshole can now take its place as an erotic orifice not to be confused with its excretory task. Don't ever fail to poetize the tookas.
     The Bounty: It's tighter than a vagina. It lets you feel violent and accepted at your most animal-like manifestation. And once you are anally proficient and comfortable, you'll carry an extra knowing glow that women intuitively respond to; you'll possess the allure of experience.