by Eurydice (c) 1999

Body Language:

Necking, Handholding, Stargazing Tools  

     After giving some thought to all matters sexual, the talk-show host Craig Kilborn, as part of his duties guest editing this issue, asked me this: "Can you write about neck-kissing and handholding?" It sounded like the anti-Sex Files--the Sex Files without the sex. Have I beaten my subject to death? "Women like neck-kissing and handholding," Craig insisted straight-faced, "it turns them on. Am I wrong?" It's the beginning and the end of every sex story, I said, it's erotic when you're very young and very old; otherwise, it's a frame. Clammy handholding is section one of the seduction game, from the age of four onward, your hands' ultimate objective being to hold the entirety of her willing body as it squirms like a fish fresh out of water; and their accomplishment of that age-old goal--in an hour, a month, a year, a lifetime--is a measure of your skill, self-worth, and your freedom.
     As an explorative stage, necking and finger-stroking are dramatic gestures which announce to the participants and to the public that a romance is budding, a couple is being born, still sublimating its carnal needs. But neck-nibbling and hand-rubbing aren't, and don't necessarily lead to, or inspire, blowjobs and hand-jobs. Romance is a special state that hovers precariously between true love and animal lust. If you are looking for romance, forget raw sex, because it's not a sure thing. If you can't be romantic without the bait of sex hanging in the balance, don't go about holding hands and kissing necks on front porches and doorways. Dating is to sex what military intelligence is to intelligence. And this is why I'm dishing advice on Dating Etiquette:
     Competent courtship is about reading her clues correctly. Don't tackle it if your window of opportunity is too narrow. It's my conviction that women are infinitely horny, and your job as a suitor is to pick the key that unlocks her individual safety code and give her license to be Wild. Dating is no different from speaking a foreign language--literally that of the other sex. Put it in her terms and she'll bite. Screen her carefully. Take your time learning her terminology. You can't be the man of her dreams before you know what her dreams are. If you're too anxious to get in her pants or are altogether under her spell, you may mindlessly agree to adopt dogs, raise babies, take up vegetarianism and join an ashram, and by the time you wake up and look for the red exit sign on the dark wall, she will have woven you into a web of Internetian proportions, because she has mistaken you for her dream male who will be by her side forever. Listening up will also keep you from attributing to her the traits and talents of your ideal woman. Spend the first precious weeks daydreaming about her and you won't notice that she's a fraction of your image of her.
     Because most people don't know themselves, you can't go by what she tells you. And you can't use techniques that worked before because what drives you straight into one woman's heart or orifice drives you out of another's. Some women want you to be pushy and make all the moves because they need help overcoming their natural reserve--though they're extroverts. Some covet what they can't have and want you to play hard to get--and they're so quiet you'd never guess they need to obsess about you first. Most women know within five minutes of meeting you if they'd sleep with you but don't tell you because other considerations affect their decision. (Unlike men, who use sex as a way to get to know a woman, women prefer to get to know you before sex.) So how do you know when she really likes you, when you've made a fool of yourself, when it's OK to kiss her or make out, how soon to call her up after the first platonic or sex-under-the-influence encounter?
     For thousands of years men have had to go out and find their lovers. Having to go over to a stranger, introduce yourself, and launch a stimulating conversation, is a dreadful task. Soldiers liked taking conquered women home as loot because they didn't have to confess their desire and be rejected. And it's easy for a woman to reject you at the start when she hasn't invested time and hope. Avoid oneliners. Do not let her think she's figured you out. At the same time, if you have any intention of playing her for keeps, don't lie about yourself. Don't adjust your behavior, tastes, ideas to fit hers so you can win her. You may exaggerate your feelings for her, portray yourself positively in order to impress her, but you must help her see you for who you are, so you'll avoid trouble down the road, if you get down the road.
     While you need to maintain eye-contact--it's considered an expression of confidence, and, if you don't, she'll assume you have something to hide--don't believe you can learn a lot by looking in a woman's eyes. But pretend you're searching for the meaning of life nevertheless. It's a gaze that gets her attention, and her vanity ("Am I the repository of meaning, a reflection of the goddess?" her unconscious is thinking, well-romanced). If you look into her eyes and feel your heart accelerate or freefall, then, as the Buddhists put it, be mindful. If words are fumbling around in your mouth like a swarm of bees, say little. Give her time to develop an attraction for you. Think of yourself as an interviewer, a talk-show host. She'll feel she has to prove herself to you rather than the reverse. Respond to whatever she asks you about, then shift the focus back on her, her family, friends, hobbies, dreams. Ask, 'Do you like this?' 'What do you think of that?' as much as possible. Do not tell her your life story in the first ten minutes. There's no bigger turn-off than a man who can't stop raving about himself. Your date is not your therapist--yet--and you aren't looking for a buddy. Don't show your cards. Wooing is in part a contest of wills.
     Don't discuss the number of notches on your belt. Let her girlfriends tell her all about your reputation or, better yet, envy her for having caught your eye. Similarly, if she flirts with you while discussing the other guys in her life, beware. For all you know, she's toying with you for reasons that range from wanting to impress or hurt another man to being a tease. If it's her undying desire to have all the men eating out of her palm, or she enjoys the intrigue of sexual chess a la Liaisons Dangereuses, and every time you see the finish line she slips through your fingers like a succubus, change your number and address and run as far from her as you can.
     Otherwise, show endless exclusive patience with her. Add subtle touches--opening the car door, holding her coat, inquiring after her comfort--that reveal you are inherently kind. Tailor your game plan to her minimum needs; don't deluge her with empathy if it never occurred to her that she should get it, because it's human nature to want too much of a good thing. Women like a man who can take care of business with an authoritative facility, but also shed the occasional tear, open up his tender heart, give in to his feminine side, and make her smile--9 out of 10 women find a good sense of humor irresistible. This doesn't mean being the class clown.
Don't appear arrogant, slick, inaccessible. Act vulnerable, mysterious, and very interested. Make her feel she is the center of the universe, but don't crowd her. Be courteous, but don't be her shadow. Don't get railroaded into doing things you hate in the hopes of sexual reciprocation. If she knows you'd walk over water and swallow fire to be with her, she'll make you do it; she may want you precisely because she can lead you by the nose. Let her hope to cross paths with you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder--unless it's the only time the heart feels fondly.
     It's an unpleasant characteristic of love that it can turn people into diluted or altered versions of themselves.     We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, strong, and sane as we are ugly, stupid, weak and insane. We need to believe that our beloved surpasses us in some way.  The moment we realize that this perfect being loves us back, a cruel paradox emerges: if she is really so wonderful, how could she fall for you? This is your own trap and not at all one she's setting up for you. If you find yourself about to fall into it, stuff your ears with wax to avoid the sirens and keep thinking with your penis.
     If you're not sure where you stand, do not plunge into an emotional rollercoaster. If she's all over you in public but reserved in private, or if she won't pay you any attention in public but is all over you behind closed doors; if her body language says one thing and her words another; if she asks you to stay the night and shares her bed with you but not her body; if she is committed to her job or your friendship or a period of celibacy; if she tells you that she needs time and will come around, keep your pecker tucked away. If she contradicts herself, changes her stories over time, has her story down pat, looks around a lot, touches her face, taps her fingers, appears absent-minded or surprisingly lenient, she may be lying to you out of cowardice or habit. In short, don't rush into thinking your feelings are mutual because she's gravitating to you cautiously.
     If you end up walking your date all the way home across town, and, once there, decide to go get a cup of tea, if you talk into the wee hours of the morning and when you go home you can't sleep the two hours you have left to sleep; if she's planning your next date before this one is over; if she memorizes your Mom's name, your birth date, your favorite this and that; if you embark on mutual personal confessions that culminate with what you each like to do in bed; if she finds every inanity you utter charming or hilarious and finishes off your sentences; if she stares into your eyes wide-eyed and slightly cross-eyed, as if mesmerized, or stares at your mouth as you talk; if she gets louder and gesticulates more by the hour, leans forward a lot, touches your arm, knee, hair; if she sits with her body taut like a ship's proud prow, rack and rump sticking out expectantly; if she runs her fingers through yours or hugs you before you part or slips you the tongue; if you find a message on your answering machine when you return home saying how much she enjoyed your date, how she doesn't feel she's the same person she was hours before, she's decided to change her plans and stay in town to see more of you, she can't believe the connection she feels with you, etc.; if you wake up with her serving you breakfast in bed, your date was a success.
     The inherent problem in modern romance is our lack of faith without which our fear of losing control consumes us. We fear we won't get what we want, and will lose what we have. It doesn't sound sexy, and it's not. It is said, widely and emphatically in our culture, that romance makes for better sex. Yet, based on my experience and that of people I know or have interviewed, sex free of deep emotional entanglement is more erotic, authentic, and wanton than sex under the influence of emotional commitment. Sex with an attractive, interesting male with whom I'm not emotionally involved has a consistently exciting, high-stakes quality, whereas sex with a significant other is affected by the daily nonsexual trivia and suffers from low-energy because sexually nothing is at stake. The exceptions are not easy to navigate. So you don't automatically have to rule out gratuitous sex when you date, but love may be the price you'll have to pay.
     Next time you meet someone whose beauty, elegance, and spirit take your breath away, and you have to taste the sweet hemlock, think of this: knowing thyself will save you shrinks' bills and heartaches, not to mention the pain of living with lowered toilet seats and matching curtain ruffles, and all the doillies and tchotchkas that may infiltrate your pad. If you can't stomach baby-talk, stick to flings.