by Eurydice (c) 1999
Cunnilingus 101
There was a time in history when a man's eyelashes fluttering against a girl's labia was considered immoral, disgusting, even inconceivable. Nowadays it's the le
ast extreme sex-sport a man can master: risk-free, feasible at any age, and always useful. Still, you mustn't step into the ring unprepared. Oral skills don't come naturally, and if you worry that you're not good enough, you'll avoid it and will be taken for a hammerhead. So read the following ABCs and make yourself indispensable in bed.
Good oral etiquette demands generosity. An amazing mouth fuck involves much more than trying to give an orgasm. Men get too clit-bound when giving head—because they want it over fast or because they don't know better. If your jaw and tongue go numb, you're doing it wrong. If she squirms uneasily or feels too vulnerable and exposed, you must vary your act. Distract her with your fingers (remember how important the hand is to fellatio): squeeze her hands in yours to reassure her that she can trust you enough to slump and lose control, that her physical distortions are attractive to you. Or reach up and palm, one after the other, her breasts with one hand, tweak her nipples between your second and third fingers until they stand erect; and with the other hand, circle her anus, insert an index into it slowly as a worm, slip the adjacent thumb into the fatty bottom of her vagina far enough so that by rubbing finger and thumb together through her flesh you can feel them touching, and work them as greased pistons in rhythm to the tapping of your tongue at her clit. In short, practice on her whatever gets you off during a blowjob (this subliminally teaches her how to please you in return); you'll know it's working if her belly quakes, her rump stiffens, and she rocks on the axis of her tailbone oblivious to the rest of the planet.
If you love going 'there', nothing better. But if you find yourself gagging on the mount and counting the seconds to fresh air, if you see it as an obligation and get periodically grossed out, ask yourself if you're saddled with serious hangups, or if you're really not interested in it. Before you give it up, as you must if you can only fake liking it, consider these pointers: Take a bath or shower with her first. Have a drink and choose a setting where you're comfortable. Take deep breaths and focus on the taboo break-and-entry aspect of it. Make a loveplay out of trimming, waxing, shaving or otherwise deforesting her pubis to make your work easier and more pleasant to the eye. Always stop when you're tired.
Here is a chronological guide to this special art: Start by touching her inner thighs, caressing her pubes, and lightly kissing the area. As she gets excited, clutch her pelvis, open the skin of her, and root your tongue until you imagine her membranes ache. The best order is: lip the labia; lick the labia; splay the labia (lifting the clit); suck the labia, separating fold upon fold of puckered tissue, stretching it like a wriggling pined butterfly. Work your tongue: flick its tip like a snake, use its edge back and forth like a saw, slurp long ice-cream-cone-type licks with its flat surface. Take this time to familiarize yourself with the terrain: some women have clitorises the size of a cherry, others have tiny knobs lost in long, flappy labia, or short, stubby labia, hidden under thick or sparse hairs. Remember the clitoris is outside the vagina, like an angel topping the Christmas tree, and is covered by a 'hood' that protects it from being constantly stimulated, and which you must ingenuously get under.
Only now point your tongue and draw circles on the clit, followed by up-and-down, or back-and-forth, licks, while still stroking and tugging her inner labia, and moving fingers in and out of her vagina. Keep all this going simultaneously in a rhythm, but don't hurry her into orgasm. Instead, break the rhythm and gnaw her clit, bearing down with your lips until it throbs. Sweep your hair or whiskers across her pubis and let her grab it for balance. Then lock the undersides of her knees to the levers of your elbows, raise her legs toward her chest, and lick, in sequence, her coccyx, her fuzzy crease, the anus, the chewy perineum, the vaginal walls, labia, clitoris, pubis, navel, ribmeat, sternum, tits, her throat's delicate cavern, her quivering chin, and then, with the flavor of her body on your lips, softly frenchkiss her. Go on to lick her nose and eyelids and lashes, murmuring into her face words of yearning; draw her arms above her head and pin them down so you can fervently lick her underarms. By the time you return to the hard-beating clit and snuffle away like a pig, and the nerves of your tongue sizzle, and your sinuses are so hot that tears start to flow, she should be nicely cooking. You should be hearing some unearthly breaths, grunts and gasps that you hear in no other place. Let her sounds guide you to focus on the spots that respond best to your tongue and sustain your rhythm with the objective to send novel sensations into her network of nervures. As you squeeze out her orgasm, don't be afraid of sending her too far over the edge. Nobody died of cunnilingus, no matter how she's pleading before the galloping dissolution of her composed self. Ignore her and give a lasting push. For her, it's bliss. For you, it's power. And she may never desire anyone but you.
When her body relaxes into a post-coital cuddle, claim your reward. Assuming that you didn't at the last moment fall for the 'foreplay' scam?according to which cunnilingus is used to arouse and lubricate a woman in preparation for intercourse?and didn't 'put it in' her in quest for that elusive and illusory bond, the simultaneous orgasm, you're now owed any reasonable sexual favor you covet; if she doesn't barter back, she won't get off this well again: that's a worldwide, unspoken, reciprocal arrangement.
The good news is that cunnilingus requires little sexual interest or commitment on your part; you don't need to grow or sustain a hardon, perform backbreaking acrobratics, or worry about birth control, about conversation, or about coming before she does. You can impress any member of the other gender you may have reason to want seduced—a colleague, boss, professor, editor, lesbian or straight. You can approach the entire gender with a general, if-all-else-fails sexual confidence which will help you score. If you know what you're doing, cunnilingus is egalitarian. It's also a substitute if she wants to 'wait to have sex.' And, for every fellatio aficionado, it's the best way to bring out the quality-fellatrix in her.
The bad news is that it can get tedious and boring as hell, which sex shouldn't be—not to mention musky, murky, dark and weighty. Contrary to common assumption, a horny female is more pushy, selfish, and overwhelming than an average horny male. Men maintain a buffer between lust and themselves: male desire has a visual and mental frame that keeps it more self-conscious and civilized; and because they penetrate, men learn to be careful. Women take longer to get aroused and uninhibited, but once they do, they are rude and voracious animals (which is why society has worked so assiduously and long to repress them, and why some disconcerted tribes mutilate them); once they convince themselves that you like to eat (their) pussy, and that you can give them easy waves of ecstasy, they'll sit on your face unasked and uninvited, suffocating your nose and forcing your tongue far north into stickiness, they'll rub raging clits into your mouth, lie on the kitchen table or your desk or the car seat or the floor with their knickers down, and expect you to be eager to gum at their labia at any time of day and any emotional state until they come, and come, and come. It can be a ballbuster. A greedy enough female can burn you out and turn you off to cunnilingus for good, so choose your partners with care and don't squander yourself. Plan your work and work your plan conscientiously, like a sexy Santa Claus.
