by Eurydice (c) 1999

The Happy Intercourse:

The Best Three Positions

Youth is beauty. Intercourse isn't rocket science. For millennia--two of them under Christianity--women resigned themselves to a lifetime of blink-and-you've-missed-it copulation. Now we know that there is such a thing as set-her-on-fire, launch-her-rocket nooky. Women are catching up. And since for most men orgasm is guaranteed in any position, men must make it up to them.

            The Kama Sutra notwithstanding, there are really only three positions: rear-entry (doggy-style), woman-on-top (riding high), man-on-top (missionary). The first is the oldest, the second is the best, the third the most common.* Neither side-by-side nor standing/sitting derivatives qualify as distinct positions unless you want to sell books or show off your erudition. Here is what you need to know:

1.         Do the traditional doggy when you are in a haste. It's the most orgasmically efficient fit. (Our distant ancestors had to settle for quickies, since being locked in a horny embrace put them at risk of being surprised and killed by predators.) Banging away snuggly from behind, testicles hitting her labia and perineum, penis hitting the front vaginal wall, asscheeks hitting your groin, hands tweaking her blood-gorged nipples, unleashes the sleeping beast in both of you. You feel authentically and potently dominant and she utterly and helplessly exposed as a hole. If your woman doesn't know her sexual body, this is your penis's best chance to luck upon her G-spot--the quarter-sized hot button behind the front wall of her vagina--and give her total-body, penis-incurred orgasms; if she's had one already, while masturbating or with another man, she wants more, and advancing beyond the digitally produced sensations of the clit is a must.

            Another plus is that neither of you have to close your eyes in order to imagine you're bonking (or taking-by-force) a person other than the one you trust and love. Rather than having to restrain your primitive expression at the moment of orgasm (teeth bared, eyes bulging, facial muscles in spasm), you can froth at the mouth without fear of detection. You can freely stare at headless genitals in action, and she can finger herself without feeling watched or inadequate. This is also the position women assume when they don't want sex and you do. To the gender's credit, women like to feel sexually wanted and don't mind being 'used' for sex so long as they don't have to pretend or reciprocate. But don't abuse your privileges. From the man's perspective, every woman is born a sperm receptacle. If you want a long and happy sex life, be honest with yourself, and then proceed to formulate, orchestrate, and execute a winsome sex strategy.

            The downside of rear-entry is that is the position most likely to injure your partner, because you have more distance to thrust. Don't get carried away. Pumping faster doesn't necessarily induce either of you to ejaculate. Rapid humping desensitizes the penis, injures vaginal membranes and can make it hard for her to walk (or fuck again) the next day. Bumping her cervix and sending her through the roof isn't the bedside technique you want to be remembered for. According to mood, menstrual cycle, and the like, a woman may want long, hard pokes one day and gentle, barely-there probes the other, so you can't take anyone for granted. Don't confuse pounding with passion. Even women who claim they need jackhammering in order to come are only waiting to meet the right lover (in terms of persistence, height, shape, skill, or kink) who will prove them wrong.

            Because any idiot can do the doggy, keep her intrigued by tilting her ass up, holding on to her shoulders, hips, thighs, waist, lowering her on her elbows, kneeling, crouching, standing, or lying on top of her facedown, your hands crammed under her pubic mount, her legs open, or shut, or pulled up to her chest, her ass stuck out. Lift her one leg slightly, reach through her armpit for her nipples, and you've just rolled into the more languid 'spoons' position (a good make-it-last maneuver). Lean back and away from her in a diagonal to slamdunk her G-spot. Then, your heads at opposite ends of the bed, your legs threaded one underneath and one above the other's legs, clasp hands for control, and do it in an X. Stand behind her while she bends over so her fingers touch her toes, keep your hands on her hips and lift her legs up and around your waist, and you're in the acrobatic territory of the 'wheelbarrow'. It's the variations on a position that make it a success--and what the hands are doing while the genitals are rutting like sheep, or cattle, or elephants--not just dogs, who are domesticated and a less offputting image.

            When my man and I are on all fours, going at it like giraffes, I expect him at some point to strike the oil of my G-spot which he does best not on his knees, unless he is way tall, but on his feet, in effect squatting over me. Maybe he's meanwhile gripping my breasts so they don't wobble against my ribs, and maybe he's rubbing the labia minor, or maybe he's got a thumb up my bum, or maybe the third knuckle of his index finger, or maybe he's tugging at my hair like I am a pony and he's a bareback rider, and maybe I'm tickling his balls with one hand or the root of his penis as it slides in and out. In short, we're never just shtupping like dogs and cats and snowshoe-rabbits: we're also lovemaking, which is why humans don't only have sex when we go into heat and our intercourse is more subtle than the rhino's, who reaches a heartrate while ejaculating equivalent to running 60 miles an hour and must lie in the mud for twelve hours to recover.

2.         I usually initiate sex with someone I know by saying 'I want to sit on you'. As many times as I've experienced the engorging, stretching-my-limits, eye-opening sensation of first lowering myself onto a penis, the warmth that spreads over my body, and the solid reassurance I feel as his crotch meets mine is the most encompassing act of trust and contact I know. I've never felt bored.

            Do the girl-on-top when you want to give and get the most. It takes the guesswork, self-consciousness, and performance-worry out of sex for both of you. For a variety of reasons (the synergy between clitoris, labia, anus, G-spot), women like to take charge of the balance and motion, which men don't even think about, and direct the thrusting depth, angle, pace to fit their needs. No other position gives you easier access to erogenous zones--you can screw her with your penis, rub her clit with your groin, chew on her nipples, finger her anus, all at once--or is more conducive to a labia-to-penis pre-insertion massage which arouses your coronal ridge.

            It's the position she thrives in if she's an exhibitionist or has a touchy pussy or if you're quick to the draw (surprisingly, being under-the-Apocryphal-Eve gives men more ejaculatory control). No sane man minds lying back and watching a woman make love to him, and herself, and triggering a can't-miss clitoral and/or G-spot internal orgasm in the process. Whether she rocks or pummels, squats or kneels or folds her legs under you, leans back on her hands and rides up and down on your shaft or wiggles her hips into a deep bump-and-grind or gyrates in teasing circles, or leans forward, her back arched, your groins airtight, her titties waggling in your face, or swivels 180 degrees head-to-toes presenting you her jiggling cheeks, you're bound to enjoy the spectacle and her ardor. Eventually, while she gazes into your shining eyes, kisses you, tugs your locks, fingers your ears, her hold-and-release contractions will alert you that you hit her jackspot.

            Don't overdo the rut-busting showmanship. Some moves are more trouble than they're worth, some are once-in-a-blue-moon experiments, some are only good for laughs. If your leg goes numb or your knee buckles under, and you haven't held the position too long, it's unsuitable for you. If either of you feels ridiculous or shaky, you may not be of a mind to concentrate or let go or even keep your poker from slipping out. Marathon sex isn't always desirable. Too much of a good thing is a spoiler. I've heard countless women bitch about being pumped too long by the 'will-he-ever-finish' guy who prides himself on being able to last forever. Most couples have a range of 2 to 5 positions; only 5 percent of all lovers use more than 20 positions regularly. Everybody's favorites: missionary and riding-high.

3.             Missionary-Impossible: It's the position most of us lose our virginity in, and the position most of us use to break the sexual ice with someone new--perhaps out of modesty, since neither partner can see much of the action--and it's the zoned-out position implied in the saying 'lie back and think of England'. It takes its name from early Christian missionaries sent to 'civilize' African and South Pacific colonies who preached it was the only 'proper' way to mate, because of their interpretation of the story of Genesis, in which man has a superior position to woman; it's also optimum for procreation--it's the correct angle for sperm to swim upward toward the ovum, especially if she remains on her back with her legs up for 10 to 30 minutes after you shoot.

            Women can't really climax this way because neither the clit nor the G-spot get tapped. If your woman is lazy or tired or appreciates ease and intimacy, lift her hips so her pelvis meets your thrusts, or throw her thigh over your shoulder, or press her foot against your chest or neck, or straighten her legs out under yours and, rather than lean on your elbows or palms, cup her shoulders so you fall flatly on her, legs straight, your head buried in her shoulder. For more intense friction, place her pelvis a foot below yours--on a low bed, desk, countertop--rest her feet on your shoulders, tilt her pelvis up so her back makes a straight line toward you, put your hands under her ass and go at it. Lie sideways and rest her head on a pillow on the floor; the blood rushing to her head enhances her orgasm. If you're feeling strong, pick her up off the bed, hold her by the haunches, and bounce her into a frenzy as long as you can stand it. Then sit on your favorite chair or rocker, throw her back over your knees, her hands on the floor, and, when you tire, turn her over.

            Reverse-Missionary: Think of a woman's legs, resting on your shoulders, while her knees are up to her chin--it's fun, but, unless your business is unusually small or hers unusually deep, you can't plunder or ram, because, depending on the anatomic fit, you're likely to damage her uterus, bruise the head of the penis, or create a whopping vaginal infection. Now imagine a woman in the same position but you sitting astride the back of her thighs, facing the same way as she, facing the TV, I call it; all she sees is the small of your back. This novelty act reverses the tactile experience for both: the underside of your shaft is closest to her clit and with a slow, steady rhythm your balls can give her an orgasm. The caveat is that with your penis bent against its natural tendency, you can't get too rambunctious and start bronco-riding nor can she buck while you're above her in the saddle. Keep one hand on her hip so if she dips too far forward--toward you or the TV--you can pull her back, reminding her your dick doesn't bend south until the show is over--or you may suffer a cartilage pull of the rod that will keep you out of commission for a long time. Few women love to sit on top facing the TV--even though it's a good way to trip the wire of the G-spot alarm; to pivot on their vulvas and look the other way strikes women as alienating and downright vulgar because the only thing in the men's visual field will be the asshole with its inherent curiosities of tissue folds and the great walls of buttock that prevent him from seeing baseball scores, the porn video she can see, or another rerun of 'The Outlaw Josey Wales'.

            You can attain every variation from any position. Mix-and-match at whim but don't start-and-stop: it's anticlimactic. Switch off, or the person who is always on top or bottom will worry that psychological issues and latent insecurities are keeping them there. Whatever your position, keep your hands and lips busy and keep the friction close to the front of the vagina, where the nerves that lead to the clitoris and the G-spot are. Try the 'Coital Alignment Technique' (CAT), devised by American psychotherapist Edward Eichel in the 1990s, which replaces the old in-out with a rocking-and-rolling (you use your pelvis, not your legs and arms, to move yourself) and requires both partners to establish the exact same rhythm and speed, with the woman leading the upward stroke (pushing up and forward to move the penis backward) and the man leading downward (pressing against the clit and mons pubis into a shallower position in the vagina); so long as you maintain an even, continual, consistent pace, orgasm will happen naturally, often simultaneously, for both of you.

            Any position can be a climactic extravaganza if you master the finer subtleties of bodily architecture and develop a quick response system: an inch lower to the left, a millimeter forward and up, can make the difference between indifferent and braincell-popping intercourse.

 

* In the Details sex survey of 1997, 45% of men and 33% of women said their favorite position was woman on top; 25% of men and 48% of women said their favorite position was man on top.