EuROTICA

by Eurydice (c) 1999

Sex Etiquette 101

Ideally, there are no rules in sex, the possibilities and individual variations are endless, and anything which gives both partners pleasure goes. So long as you remember that A. having sex is like being a drunken boat bobbing on the waves, and B. you get what you give, your sex life should proceed gloriously.
     But this is humanity in the year 1999: nothing is simple, and everything, even stress-reducing ecstasy, is a source of stress. Ours is the proverbial democracy of Babel: our communication is open to so much selective hearing, spinning, and subjective manipulation, we hardly understand what the fuck we want from one another.
     To add insult to chaos, the average woman doesn't feel intimate or confident enough to tell you what she wants from you sexually until about the tenth time you sack up together, and if you don't know what she expects you to know there may be no second time, let alone a tenth: our sexual catch-22. No wonder you may feel the need for a survival guide covering the nitty-gritty precepts of pleasing modern woman. Here it comes, chronologically arranged: 
     Dim lights, use candles, dress your mutual nudity in softness: women appreciate men who are not voyeuristic pigs, who 'respect' and romance them. Make the act feel impromptu by initiating it before reaching a bed. Remove her clothes while kissing; tear them off her if the moment is conducive; compliment her lingerie, don't fumble with it; give her no time to feel ridiculous; remain clothed yourself only if she suggests it (she's an exhibitionist). Say that her breasts are beautiful, and, if they're not, that her skin is beautiful, and, if it's not, that she smells wonderful; if you can find nothing nice to say about her, don't fuck her. Don't praise her by favorably comparing her to other lovers or celebrities. And discourage her prattle; don't confuse fucking with metaphysics.
     Demonstrate your erotic mastery subtly, so she doesn't think you're trying to impress her: plant a kiss on her pubis when it's first exposed, but don't embark on hastily scooping snatch. Lie face to face so you can look sincerely into her eyes, traverse the outline of her body with your fingers or lips, arouse her epidermis, stroke (not knead) her thighs, graze a nipple with a fingernail, and keep kissing, giving her time to get used to your curious hands and limbs all over her. Place your palm flat on her belly (it calms her, reminds her of nurturing, and puts you on the path to the vagina). If she leans into you, put it between her legs. Restrain from digging, shoving in four fingers, parting labial folds. Put pressure on the whole area in clockwise rubbing motion until she's so wet you can convince yourself it's because of you. Now you're free to officially launch cunnilingus. If she comes in your mouth, don't bluntly require her to reciprocate.
     Test her foreplay threshold (her predilections may change from night to night) on her neck, inner thigh, buttock: see if she's interested in being bitten, sucked, spanked. Penetrate her slowly but persistently until you've plunged to the hilt, but before you've ruptured an egg. Explore: go left, right, up, down, locate her G-spot. The standard procedure begins with the missionary; after you get a good genital fit, turn her over gently so you can enter her deeply from below; go through more positions, but eventually get her on top (it reassures her that you're not here to dominate, gives your hands and eyes better access to her tits and ass, is easier on your back, and lets her control and bring forth her orgasm, so you can follow suit). If she doesn't come, lift her, put her on all fours, enter from behind; pound away a bit. Place her hand on your testicles to indicate she should play with them. Place it around your dick so while going in and out of her pussy you're also going in and out of her hand. The routine is: missionary, two minutes; topped, until she's spent, three to five minutes; doggie-style, two minutes, giving it your all.
     The average fuck lasts 7 minutes: sustain it over 4 and under 20, from erection to ejaculation. Consider screaming her prerogative and don't compete with her vocally; moans and controlled climactic groans suffice; hoglike grunts and crying out 'Jesus Fucking Christ' or 'Take it all, bitch' require a sense of humor or masochism most women lack. If stress, alcohol, or overpowering tenderness render you unable to orgasm, fake it if you don't need to get off. Otherwise, admit you're nervous, shy, tired, and happy nonetheless. She won't object to jerking you off or titfucking you, but may not want to suck what was excavating her pussy; if you suggest it and she refuses to give you head, you'll feel worthless; if you suggest it and she does it against her desire, you'll feel like a rapist. Try hard not to come before her. If you do, get her off by hand or mouth, focusing on clit and kissing, or offer to watch her masturbate.
     After sex, delay cleaning up; women like to nestle in your arms and don't understand that, because of old masturbation habits, men want to get rid of the glandular evidence. Briefly wallow together in the mess you've made. Cuddle and kiss with precoital vigor, to reassure her she's no sex object. Don't ask if she came; if she did and you don't know it, it's a point taken from you; if she didn't, her answer will generate meaningless chatter regarding your responsibility or performance and her history; if her previous lover made her orgasm and you didn't, you'll feel like a loser; if nobody ever has, you'll feel compelled to be the first and may find yourself fingering her anew in a boring moebius strip. Call her the next morning. Say sweet nothing.