by Eurydice (c) 1999
Sex in Public, Sex in Nature
Picture this: the sun is radiant, the birds are chirping, the leaves are turning red, you are relaxing; and suddenly you think, what better way to enjoy thebeauty of the moment than by getting some. Or this: you're taking off your pants and shorts, you're sitting on your side of the bed watching her undress, feeling tired of the same old Pavlovian nookie, and suddenly you think, why not move to a new setting?the basement, the laundry room, the attic. Or: you're cooped up somewhere, dead bored, feeling like jumping out of your skin, and as you while the time away by entertaining erotic fantasies, you suddenly think, what if I act on them. The right response in all those cases is: do it.
Spontaneous sex in semi-public places is the easiest way to stimulate your sex life. It can make mediocre lovemaking seem unforgettable: you may never veer from the missionary and yet never repeat yourself; you may use intimate moves that in bed would have struck her as 'unima-ginative' and she'll find you inventive; you may perform a plain, fervid quickie and be treasured in her mind as an one-of-a-kind Casanova. As with real-estate, location-location-location is the defining factor. The danger, the novelty, the surreptitiousness heighten everyone's arousal.
Women like open-air sex because it presents a ready-made stage where they can play out their favorite primal scenario: their man can't control himself in the face of their immeasurable charms and he's willing to defy authority and propriety, risk public exposure and humiliation in exchange for their sexual favors; in short, they feel they're being romanced. It's the old kitchen-table fantasy: all women tingle at the idea of getting laid on the dining table. You don't have to do it; just ask your girl, on a whim, 'When was the last time you were eaten out on the kitchen table?' and kiss her, long and hard, on the side of her neck, under the ear, as you whisper it. (And if you do it, you'll be rewarded with the deepest penetration man can get; just prop a pillow on the table's edge under her ass so that her anus is facing you, then sit on a chair and keep your oral promise restfully, then push her knees up over her ears, hug your arms around her thighs, move in and out of orifices—and by moving an extra ten inches you can finish on her face or breasts, all 'in the heat of passion.' Don't keep her legs outstretched, or she'll be extended too thin to penetrate properly, with her uterine wall no more than five inches from you; just hold her legs closed and back over her head as she lies flat, and hover over her like a dracula-in-cape.)
Men like out-of-bed sex because they feel macho, in control, and a bit wild. It brings out the satyr in them, inspires them to be unselfconscious and devil-may-caring, which makes it easier to convince sexually hesitant dates to put out. Although women are less afraid to be caught in the act because their genitals are never quite exposed, some men get a special rush from knowing that a passerby might accidentally witness their hardon?their moment of masculine glory (this appeals to meek, sensitive guys as well as built-up gigolo-wannabes). Other men feel pride when they can come through under adverse circumstances. A touch of exhibitionism (feeling like you are the epitome of overarching ardor or, at worst, the depraved flasher in the park) is a turn-on.
Besides, being naked in nature is liberating; you feel connected to the world around you. In the company of a woman, your own unconventional exposure can excite you. Chances are that as you lie nude in the sun or bob in the ocean, you'll notice lust creeping under your bare skin and your senses will go on alert. The rhythm of the waves, the purl, the breeze, the sight of your partner dripping wet and windswept can make sex intensely romantic, and can forge a lasting emotional bond between partners. Even if the place is deserted, you'll have the sense of being watched, of making a public statement about one another that will bring you closer together.
Sex outside the bedroom is not just for nature lovers and parentally terrorized teenagers. It can appeal to every taste and vary widely. You don't have to be in a photogenic wheatfield or a meadow sprinkled with daisies. In fact, all-out nature is fraught with unsexy dangers?the errant bee, the dozing bullsnake, the suicidal jellyfish, the hungry crab, the swarming horseflies, the duck-pond rats, the horny elk, you get the idea. (Autumn is the better season because the air is crisp, allergy attacks are minimal, and most of God's little creatures are dying off or scurrying underground.) Always take care to keep her comfortable and avoid bone bruises, splinters, bites and aches that may leave her with a negative experience. Carry a blanket, insect repellent, even a tent, in your trunk for sexual emergencies; otherwise, spread out your coat for her. Whether you get busy horizontally, vertically, at an angle, or on all fours, a blankie can keep you from getting sand in your body crevices on the beach, can allow you to lie or kneel on rocks or concrete, can be lifted to hide you from the eyes of unexpected intruders. As in most sports, avoid the rough. If you find yourself on a bed of pine needles or cones, unzip your pants and nothing else, and put your erection away inside an orifice swiftly, for a romp in the forest can infest you with mosquito bites, ticks, poison ivy or oak, and you can't spray your penis. Also: water washes away a woman's natural lubrication, so expect some vaginal dryness when you have sex in the wet. Putting on a condom underwater is impossible: put the condom on and the penis in her before getting in the water. Only do it with someone who is as good or as bad a swimmer as you, and beware of water up the nose and down the throat. If you slip while inside her, go with the flow: any jerking may bend your hardon downward and cause you bad pain (not to mention damage her uterus). And if your lover is sucking you below the surface, control your urge to hold her ears.
Still, some fresh air, open sky, full moon may be just what everybody needs to improve their sex life. The possibilities abound: from going at it on the grass in the backyard to making out on vacation in faraway, exotic locales. You can do it quietly in the dark of the night or you can have a poolside orgy at high noon. You can do it face-to-face on your lawn chair or you can climb a weeping willow and do it monkey-style, perched on a limb. You can do it on a ski lift or in a snowdrift amidst vast white vistas (you'll be warm enough while it lasts), on a mountain path (bend her over a rock and enter her from behind so you can both watch the sunset), or on a peak you've just scaled, as a way to toast your exploit and celebrate life. You can park your car in nature and relive your adolescence, trying to match the bliss of exploring sixteen-year-old unsullied and just ripe girlhood while negotiating steering wheel, gearshift, rearview mirror and all. (Or lie her on the hood and proceed as if it were the kitchen table.) After hours, you can sneak off onto the diamond of a baseball stadium or the putting green of a golf course (call it the 19th hole) or into the cliché cemetery or on a rooftop, and fuck while gazing at the stars, feeling the daily world recede far behind. You can take your girl to a playground, push her down the slide, fingerfuck her on a swing, and enter her on a merry go round. Or you can mount her from behind on a balcony, as you both watch the traffic many stories below, then lift her legs around your waist and lean her backward over the railing, giving her the sensation that she's on top of the world.
Have sex in water: whether you're in the shower or in a steamy jacuzzi or in a bubbly hot tub, or you skinnydip or jetski or sail, water is a relaxant that doubles the cleansing effect of an orgasm?and you don't have to rinse off afterward. The buoyancy of salt water leads you to experiment with positions: you can reinvent sixty-nine; or you can stand on a sandbar as she floats on her back, pull her legs around your waist, hold her by the pelvis angling her waist down, and give her cunnilingus, then penetrate her, making foreplay out of losing your footage and slipping off balance. (It can take longer to get in than to come; be patient and persevere. She must hold onto you hard and tight with her hands-arms-legs like a leech, so opt for a girl with good muscletone.) If you're in a boat, slither onto the floor, let go of the oars and let the surf lull and carry you; an empty vessel floating along is so picturesque you'll get whistles from fellow rowers. If you're on the ferry, arrange your sleeping-bag under a lifeboat and hump to the distant roar.
Have sex on the move: trains, buses, horses can take you places you've never been before. Sex in a car at high speed is an exceptional pleasure. The co-driver can orally or manually satisfy the driver, keeping an eye out for signs of loss of control, and start and stop the pleasuring according to road and traffic conditions. Or she can sit on you, her back to the windshield, while you steer half-blind and floor it; this takes dexterity, experience, guts, glandular and muscular self-control, a female with small breasts (so you won't get poked in the eye with a nipple), and no soccer-player thighs; here's where you want a Kate Moss type, mostly skin and birdlike bones and flexible hips. Don't exceed the speed limit. If driving daunts you, take the backseat of a cab, and roll about on the stinky floor until you forget the curious gaze of the cabby and your inhibitions. The power of a Harley is another aphrodisiac: mount and relish the hot loud throbbing of the engine between your legs as your press up against your girl butt-to-genitals. Even a rented moped can give you the ride of your life, if she can sit her on you, her butt upward, facing you, her skirt over your lap. If only you can drive in a straight line, sit her between the handlebars, loop her panties around a handle, and lap her up. Afterwards, watch out for the slippery seat.
Join the fictitious 'mile-high club' to which anyone who's fucked in a cramped airborne lavatory belongs. Sex in the airplane bathroom is a must for young couples who don't get airsick. (Novices often wait until after the food is served and the stewards fade behind curtains and everyone is eating, keen to beat the bathroom lines; it's safer to get it over with early, when you're rested and the bathrooms are still clean and empty and the stewards are busy organizing drinks and heating up things. Avoid air-pocket times. Choose an end-of-a-section lavatory; tell your girl to go in and not lock the door; follow her two minutes later. Bend her over the toilet lid, her hands on the wall, enter from behind, and keep it basic. As in the shower and other tight spots, if you push too hard, she'll hit her head against the wall.) Now any idiot can masturbate under a blanket over the Atlantic at 3 a.m. with Star Treck XX on the screen; but only committed aficionados will attempt it on a midday flight with grannies and kids seating on either side of you and the drink cart heading your way. Start modestly. If you're seated next to an approachable female, approach her; take your time charming and chatting her up before you steal a hand under her; it's as good a way as any to kill dead flying time. If she doesn't pull off when you accidentally brush her tit, aim for mutual handjobs under the traytables and blankets during breakfast. If she rests her head on your lap and happens to give you a blowjob, you're justified to put a hand on her neck to keep her from bobbing up and down noticeably, and that gesture alone can send you off.
Have sex on the job: men who have a private office that locks have had sex in it, with good reason. There is nothing like throwing the papers off an overused desk and seeing your girl's ass on it, awaiting you enticingly, and nothing is more soothing to the ear than the sound of her wailing moans coming out of your boss's leatherette sofa on a weekend when everybody else is gone. The fun of doing something you theoretically shouldn't is enough to make a two-minute under-the-desk mouthjob a la Bill-and-Monica worth your while. There may be reasons to avoid office trysting, but opportunity isn't one of them: the stairwell in a high-rise offers privacy and early warning of approaching life (if the step is at least 12 inches deep, she can sit or lie on it while you stand two steps down and lean into her as if you were doing pushups, your palms on the edge of her step; or, if there's a view and she doesn't suffer from vertigo, she can look down the spiraling flights and get a rush from the tremendous sense of falling while you wrap a leg around your waist and pop her, knowing you could flip her over the railing; or she can keep one leg on the step or the landing, lift the other leg close to the level of the banister so her legs are 90 degrees apart and be whacked from the side.) Wheelchair-accessible stalls, cubicles, closets and the proverbial copy-room are sex-friendly sites. The best workers do mix business with pleasure.
Have sex in the classroom: slip into an empty one and use those uncomfortable desks to frame the sensual curves of your half-naked babe, and you'll love going back to it for coursework the following day. If you never did that in school, try it out when you next visit your alma mater. Some places simply cry out 'Seduce her here': grand and hallowed public buildings with naves, apses, secluded niches, like libraries and museums, quietly resonate with erotic tension and possibility, and really appeal to women who like to humanize impersonal surroundings and make a nest out of a mausoleum; for sex that literally echoes and desecrates our devotion to the intellect, initiate some fingerplay behind the book stands. But don't disdain the familiar spaces. Treat the whole world as your bedroom: bars, waiting rooms, elevators (push 'stop' between floors and ignore the Muzac), libraries, museums, movie theaters, gyms, hospitals, ferris wheels, vacant corners, are conducive to varying degrees of sexual activity. Don't worry about getting caught: most people who happen upon a couple al fresco back down in silence; no one wants to be a spoil-sport; they'll be embarrassed or unruffled or envious and amused, but they will rarely bother you. So don't let the fear of getting ticketed or reprimanded ruin your search for adventure. Take care not to be offensive and excessive, avoid places known to police for fostering lewd conduct (porn theaters, sex clubs), and make a point of fucking anywhere you've never fucked before. Jump over the fence, pull off the side of the road, pull up her skirt. Urge your girl to adopt a 'Take me right here, right now' attitude, and you'll have hassle-free sex so memorable that years after the fact you'll still recall it with glee and relate it to friends and family as if it were both a foible and a feat.
